Decision

12/10/1998

I have often wondered, it's natural to me
To try to see what made you so angry
To shout at me and vilify me and hate me
For being who I am openly.
You use the phrase "You people who
Choose to live the lifestyle you do"
As if they can be separated in two:
Me from the life I live, me from my mind
Finding a way to exist outside my self
Be something I am not outside
And inside myself be sane and true
So I ask you, when did you decide?

When did you decide this all, Dad?
When did you choose to let yourself,
Reddening in the face, panting, puffing,
Huff up to a female and let her know
You were interested in her body?
When did you order your erection
When faced with the decision
To get excited over women instead of men?
Was it raining that day, keeping you in,
And bored, you decided "I will pubertize
Right here before my eyes, rise
And salute the flag of heterosexuality?
And tell every part of me, this is for me
This man-woman reality I choose consciously."

Did you run tell your friends, "I have chosen.
I could have picked oxen, or inflatable companions,
But I chose women. I had the chance to get hot
For the guys at the used car lot, or become a eunuch
But with all good luck, I chose to become excited
At the sight of female anatomy when it comes in front of me.
Male anatomy is just plumbing to me, now I have chosen.
Making my choice was a vote of forty nine to fifty one
But it is done. I am a normal, regular guy now, you see.
It's the lifestyle I have chosen and its perfect for me.
How could it not be? And it should be for all around me.
Now that I see how it should be for me, why not everybody?"

I really wanted to know, because I don't recall a time
When I'm one way one minute and another the next,
Perplexed then sure, nothing then gay, some other way today.
I seemed to always remember being who I am,
Wanting to be with and hold onto Sam but never Pam
And not being moved by the courtship ways of girls,
Twirling their curls and batting their eyes, but guys?
Oh, I was always aware of every word, and gesture
Always open to getting together and seeing whatever
And knowing that this time he was like me and wanted me
And the next time, not so lucky, he was like Daddy
But still no time when I chose. God knows, I looked
But not one moment, not one day, week or month
When I renounced the will of the majority,
And rising up righteously, declared for all to see,
I choose to be what I am to irritate others, only.
I do not really feel what I feel, I manufacture it.
I create it to thumb my nose at my parents
And my future partners family, and those around me.
And do so consciously, the thorn in the side of society
Because it pleases me to be treated so badly.
No. It couldn't be that. So, what could it be?